TO LOVE AN EMPATH

If You Love an Empath, Know This

Unspoken Word Poetry

swing set chains

palms discolored
wipe orange rust
swing set chains
rattle through
shuttered panes
cigarette-butt doves fly
beer glass starfish sparkle
my legs kick
against a dirt sky

Swing Set Chains, a poem I wrote in my twenties when I was still angry about my life, unfair circumstances, mainly addiction- angst ridden lines vaguely lost on a page. I wrote to forget. I wrote to occupy empty time. I wrote to be alone in a house caught between unpredictable chaos and unbearable silence. I wrote for myself.  

Volume after volume of fragmented childhood memories shoved on a shelf. My silent solace, a semblance of order and control if nothing else. My words have always been calculated, cautious, carefully mine. Left to yellow and harden over the passing of time.  

Two decades later, tattered and torn, this is my archeological find. The words sit static as I rush to make space in my cluttered mind, and I attempt to get the words out of her with the absence of mine.

Her sterile hospital room is a far cry from the swing set of my youth, but it is still a make-shift sanctuary. A place to keep from confrontation. A place to run and hide. We both avoid erasable words written in plain sight.

Water under the bridge? Something we say when we have lost the energy to fight, or we realize that some actions are not always a matter of choice.  

I AM still standing on that bridge- a gasoline soaked rag in one hand and polished skipping stones in the next.   

Should I set the fire, turn to ashes, and tumble into the troubled waters below?

Should I lie down, look up, and fly into the dirt sky reflection shining above?

I know that destruction and distraction are most people’s MOs, but silence and suspension have always been mine.

I am paralyzed, stuck on a drawstring bridge, a rusty swing set, not sure if I am human, fish, or bird?

Maybe just a version of my own unspoken word.

 

Author, Michelle Lynn, is a podcaster on The Captain’s Pod, and she creates content specifically for HSP’s, empaths, introverts, INFJ’s, and Myers-Briggs enthusiasts.  Her weekly podcast, HSP S.O.S. (Highly Sensitive Persons Supporting Our Sensitivity), can be found on The Captain’s Pod website and Facebook. Also connect with her on Twitter @mlynnline.

Feeling Blue?

Here’s a little graphic to remind yourself of what you can do when you are feeling a bit blue!  

I FEEL WEIRD!

My Christmas morning confession is this… I feel weird! I am not particularly depressed or anxious.  I am not necessarily disappointed or upset because I had hoped that things would have shaped up differently.  I am just sitting here alone in my apartment, fireplace going with a cup of mint tea by my side, feeling pretty off.  The feeling started towards the end of the evening last night, and I tried my best to shake it.  I spent time with my loved ones, and nothing transpired that would warrant a foul mood.  Still I sensed myself turning inward, and I found myself sitting quietly away from everyone else.  I could feel myself getting annoyed by being asked, “what’s wrong?”  I felt guilty for not wanting to talk.  I always appreciate that people care enough to show concern, but when I don’t know what’s wrong, I hate that people ask. It always leads to the filling in of the blanks as we try and figure out what’s going one with me.  

Am I sad that my daughter is with her father this morning instead of with me?  

Am I missing my grandmother?  

Did I forget to eat yesterday?

Am I upset that El Nino has created unseasonably warm temperatures in the Midwest, and it just doesn’t feel like Christmas?

Should I have said something to my mom about her mom not being here this year?  Was it disrespectful not to?

Have I just had too much people time, and  I need to take some time to recharge?

Did I spend too much this year on gifts or not enough?

Am I bothered by the wrapping paper, bows, and glitter strewn across the carpet?

Do I need to get some of those papers graded, so I can enjoy the rest of my time off?

Did those cookies have red dye in them, and now they are impacting my mood?

Do I want to be alone?

Do I want company?

Am I worried about attending my brother’s party?

Are the holiday decorations invading too much of my space?

Was that post about the orphan babies too emotional for me to read before going to bed?

Should I have had breakfast and my vitamins already?

Am I concerned about where I’m going to fit all of my daughter’s new toys?

Was it just not as meaningful as Christmases past?

Am I concerned that I’m ruining the day for everyone else, because I can’t get out of this funk?

The answer to all of these questions is… I don’t know?  No and yes?  The only thing I know with any certainty is that I feel weird.  Again, I am not depressed or anxious.  I am just kind of existing here in this space right now.  It’s almost like my mind and body can’t even process my emotions.  I am tempted to beat myself up.  I am tempted to put on some holiday music, down some eggnog, and force feed myself the holiday cheer.  The last thing I ever want to do is have my weird mood affect those around me.  I am almost to the point of letting a little of the anxiety in, and then I remind myself that I am a highly sensitive person.  I am an introvert.  I am extremely sensitive to everything around me, and I AM an intensely emotional person.  Weird is just a feeling like happy or sad.  The holidays are a deviation from the norm, and I’m just feeling what I’m feeling simple as that.  There’s nothing wrong, so I don’t have to invent a reason to tell other people.  I don’t need to feel guilty for not being something else.  In this moment, I think I just need to accept the fact that I feel a bit strange.  Maybe there are other people out there feeling the same way today thinking they shouldn’t?  If so, all I have to say is Merry Christmas let’s feel weird!  

Author, Michelle Lynn, is a podcaster on The Captain’s Pod, and she creates content specifically for HSP’s, empaths, introverts, INFJ’s, and Myers-Briggs enthusiasts.  Her weekly podcast, HSP S.O.S. (Highly Sensitive Persons Supporting Our Sensitivity), can be found on The Captain’s Pod website and Facebook. Also connect with her on Twitter @mlynnline.

 

 

 

 

 

Highly Sensitive Superheroes

Can Superheroes Help “Save the Day” for HSPs and Empaths?

Listen to HSP S.O.S Episode #4- Sensitive Superheroes 

In 2002, I went to an afternoon matinee to see The Powerpuff Girls.  I was in my twenties.  I had no children, and I was possibly the only adult in there of my own free will.  It wasn’t that I was a huge superhero fan, or comic book aficionado.  I was never really that into the genre growing up, but something about Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles captured my heart. The little girl superheroes created from sugar, spice, and Chemical X were cute and complex.  Each character brought a different personality trait to the mix, which helped formulate a powerhouse of smarts, sensitivity, and sass.  When asked, I could never answer which one was my favorite, because I needed all three of them.

As a young girl growing up in the era of excessive consumerism and exaggerated female beauty standards, I often felt fragmented.  I felt like I had all these different aspects of my personality that helped form my identity, but I didn’t know when to be smart, or when to be sensitive, or when to stand my ground and fight back.  I love that The Powerpuff Girls are unapologetically themselves. They are by no means perfect.  They sometimes get a bit too carried away and inadvertently destroy sections of Townsville.  Even after botched communication, bouts of anger, and explosive meltdowns, however, the community still loves The Powerpuff Girls.

Subconsciously, this type of unconditional love is perhaps what drew me to their story in the first place.  I have struggled with my own identity as a highly sensitive, introverted young woman over the years.  I have always longed for a world that could accept all facets of my personality.  I have always wanted the freedom to make mistakes, have meltdowns, mess up and still trust that I would be loved.  

You might be thinking that all of this is just a little too deep for a show with pigtailed crusaders and talking monkey supervillans.  This analytical approach, however, is not a new concept.  Analyzing comic book characters, and hero archetypes, falls within the area of something called Superhero Therapy.  I first learned about Superhero Therapy when researching for HSP S.O.S. episode #4 Sensitive Superheroes.  In that podcast, I featured the work of a clinical psychologist named Dr. Janina Scarlet.  A therapist, author, and speaker, Dr. Scarlet uses superheroes and their stories to help her clients.  Much of her work centers around using stories to assist patients suffering from depression, anxiety, and PTSD.  Which completely makes sense, when you think about the parallels between some of your favorite superheroes and individuals coping with fears, phobias, and traumatic experiences.  I fell in love with the idea and her work months ago.  I haven’t stopped thinking about the concept of Superhero Therapy since that podcast.

My role on The Captain’s Pod is to produce episodes for HSP S.O.S. with Highly Sensitive Persons and emotional empaths in mind.  Sensory Processing Sensitivity is a trait, not a disorder.  According to the leading researcher on the topic, Dr. Elaine Aron, approximately 20% of the population has a sensitivity trait.  These individuals with this sensitivity trait process sensory data much deeper and more intensely than non-HSPs.  It can be very exhausting, and if individuals with highly sensitive nervous systems do not develop coping strategies to maintain balance, they can end up with a variety of mental health disorders like the ones Dr. Janina Scarlet treats.

The question I’ve been tossing around for a while now is can some superhero self-help be used preventatively for HSPs and emotional empaths?  It would seem that individuals with the sensitivity trait might relate to superheroes going through similar struggles.  Can superheroes help “save the day” for society’s most sensitive  souls?  What follows are some of my personal thoughts on how we as a community of HSPS and empaths might be able to adapt what Dr. Janina Scarlett does in her Superhero Therapy for our own purposes.  It’s a reflection on how superheroes can also benefit the 20% of the population needing a little extra support to achieve a sense of balance.

How Can Superhero Stories Help “Save the Day” for HSPs and Empaths?

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1. They provide examples of characters struggling with sensory overload and feelings of isolation. HSPs are capable of processing larger amounts of sensory information than non-HSPs.  They pick up on subtle cues in their environment and often experience over arousal, or sensory overload.  Some highly sensitive people are also emotional empaths, this means that they are so in-tune with their environment, and the energy around them, that they can actually sense and absorb the emotions of other people.  This heightened sensitivity often allows HSPs to understand or “read” people better, but it is also very draining.  Many individuals with sensory processing sensitivity end up needing breaks from people to recharge, but since empathetic individuals like to help and make other people happy, they don’t often take the best care of themselves.  This can lead to melt-downs, outbursts, and a sense of being misunderstood.  HSPs and empaths often feel like they are “weird” or that there is no one else quite like them.  You can’t always tell by looking at a person whether or not they are struggling with sensory overload, so superheroes like Marvel’s Matt Murdock (a.k.a. Daredevil) can really help make the invisible visible.  The characters that interact with Matt Murdock don’t always know just how much he is struggling to keep it together.  Because we are allowed inside the mind of this character, however, we can experience exactly what he goes through each day.  Just as Daredevil’s heightened senses are a strength for him, they are also his vulnerability.  If he is in an environment that contains too much noise, strong odors, or a lot of people, he struggles.  He may need to do something to dull his senses just to regain a bit of control over what is happening to him mentally and physically.  This is exactly how it is for HSPs and empaths, and it’s refreshing to see what sensitive individuals go through played out in comic books, movies, and television.
   

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2. They remind us that being self-aware is an important part of achieving and maintaining emotional balance. In the X-Men film series, Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters is a well known safe haven for mutants to train and learn to control their powers in order to get along better in the real world.  The first time I watched an X-Men movie, I found myself daydreaming and wishing there was a school like that for me to go to.  As a highly sensitive person and emotional empath, I have plenty of stories about letting myself get out of balance, exhausting myself, and exposing my vulnerability to the wrong people.  While you are born with the power of sensitivity, you aren’t born with the knowledge of how to manage and master this trait.  Maintaining emotional balance is a life-long battle for sensitive superheroes.  It is a topic that we address routinely on our podcast on episodes like HSP S.O.S. #22.  In this episode we discuss how HSPs and empaths often have unrealistic expectations of themselves.  Like the superheroes attending Xavier’s school, people that struggle with intense emotions are prone to outbursts of rage, intense sadness, and possible panic attacks.  HSPs have a strong sense of not wanting to hurt or burden the people they love, so they routinely suppress less desirable aspects of their identity.  Like we talk about in The Captain’s Pod Star Wars and The Shadow episode, ignoring “The Dark Side” only makes it stronger.  As do virtually all superheroes, HSPs and emotional empaths have to acknowledge and master their own shadows in order to achieve a strong sense of self-control and stability.
   

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3. They appeal to our empathetic nature and “save the world” mentality, while accurately portraying the level of self sacrifice and energy needed to live in this manner. For individuals that feel everything so deeply, spend a great deal of time in deep thought, and approach the world with a desire to make it better, it is easy to become disenfranchised with a seemingly apathetic and cruel world.  A superhero’s mission in life is to make sure that justice is served.  Stories allow us to see both the internal and external struggle of well-intentioned characters.  Complex superhero narratives will test the moral values of empathetic characters, much how society often tests its most sensitive citizens’ principles and standards.  HSPs and empaths recognize when something is not right in the world.  They have a hard time accepting things that go against their own code of ethics or doing something that they know will hurt another person. It is an exhausting aspect of the sensitive personality, and sensitive individuals do run the risk of feeling like life has given them an unfair hand.   It can be helpful in these instances to turn to fictional characters experiencing similar struggles.  Comic books, movies, and television shows are relatively short, which allows a reader to weigh the benefits and drawback of sacrificing one’s self for the greater good in a short period of time.  An HSP or empath struggling with whether or not to remain loyal to a profession that is compromising a personal belief system could, for example, take a look at Captain America in Marvel’s Civil War series.  Cap is being forced to make a decision to go along with people he has called friends a good portion of his life or go against his friends in the name of what he believes is just.  Seeing the negative and positive outcomes associated with a character’s course of action can assist HSPs and empaths as they start to assess what needs to be done in their own circumstances.  Rarely in superhero story lines do characters have easy decisions to make, so they are great models for real world issues as well. 
   

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4. They help us find people like us in the real world. Superhero stories are quite popular.  The comic book and superhero movie franchise is a multimillion dollar industry.  Needless to say, there are a lot of people out there that are connecting to these stories.  A few years ago, I never would have thought I would be so interested in the psychology of superheroes.  By taking a closer look at a genre I once overlooked, I have made many new fictional friends, as well as real friends.  There are plenty of social media sites devoted to superheroes and their fans.  People love analyzing characters and discussing their complexity, so it’s really easy to connect with like-minded people from the comfort of your own home.  Having people to talk to that share similar interests is something the highly sensitive desperately seek, and there is no better way to connect to people than through a shared interest.  

Superheroes come in many varieties these days, and it’s no surprise that the highly sensitive can find themselves reflected in these characters.  HSPs and emotional empaths have a lot in common with crusaders of compassion, and their stories have the power to connect, comfort, and challenge us on our journey towards emotional balance.

Author, Michelle Lynn, is a podcaster on The Captain’s Pod, and she creates content specifically for HSP’s, empaths, introverts, INFJ’s, and Myers-Briggs enthusiasts.  Her weekly podcast, HSP S.O.S. (Highly Sensitive Persons Supporting Our Sensitivity), can be found on The Captain’s Pod website, The HSP SOS website, and Facebook. Also connect with her on Twitter @hsp_sos.

Seasonal Spiraling

“Life is like a spiral of good and bad experiences.  You are never static.  You are moving up or down the spiral.  The CHOICE of direction is YOURS.” -P.D.M. Dolce

Listen to HSP S.O.S. #23- Where we discuss Seasonal Spiraling

When I start to feel a little anxious or stressed, I count things.  I count steps on staircases, cracks in sidewalks, windows on buildings, and anything else I can find to stop myself from spiraling into another dimension.  It’s a coping mechanism I’ve been taught to help ground myself when I am feeling overwhelmed.  It’s ironic then, that I find great comfort in counting fractals.  Fractals are never-ending patterns.  They are infinitely complex patterns that are self-similar across different scales. They are created by repeating a simple process over and over in an ongoing feedback loop.  Fractals are images of dynamic systems – the pictures of Chaos.  I stop myself from spiraling endlessly by counting endless spirals.  Now that’s a cerebral INFJ coping mechanism if I ever heard one.

I’m not writing this to talk about fractals or chaos theory, or to further illustrate how my highly sensitive mind over analyzes every minute detail of existence.  I’m writing this, because this time of year, I find myself using this technique more often.  I find myself in a repeating pattern of something I call Seasonal Spiraling.  Seasonal Spiraling starts for me directly after Halloween and continues through the new year.  It starts with countdowns, schedules, and expectations.  I’ve seen movies about how you are supposed to be during the holidays.  I know you are supposed to wear matching sweaters, drink egg nog, and smile blissfully as you open shiny packages.  For me, however, the image in my mind never really matches the reality.  

My family has always celebrated holidays begrudgingly.  Comments like, “I can’t wait for the holidays to be over,” started in late October.  As a child, the holiday season was always stressful.  My mother worked retail, so her hours increased.  She came home more exhausted each night as the countdown to Christmas began.  My father, a machinist, worked the night shift, and his work increased around this time as well.  We never had a lot of money growing up, so Christmas became about budget, guilt, and the constant sense of disappointment for my parents.  I watched my mother sit up late at night balancing her checkbook, and I knew she was worried.  As a child, I too couldn’t wait for the holidays to be over, so my family could just get back to normal.  

It is undoubtedly my sensitivity to childhood moments like this that leads to my Seasonal Spiraling as an adult.  I love the concept of the holidays, but I despise what it does to people at times.  Under obligation, we find ourselves in the company of those we’ve worked hard to avoid throughout the year.  We find ourselves stressing over what to buy our children, and all those other people in our lives that we never know what to get.  I listen at work as mothers complain that their sons are spending the holidays with their girlfriends instead of family.  I absorb the heartache of those that have lost loved ones, and watch helplessly as they contemplate making it through their first Christmas without this special person.  What should be a time of celebration has become for a lot of people an incredible time of stress.  It has become a time of Seasonal Spiraling.

I don’t really have any answers.  All I know is that I want the world to take a collective deep breath, maybe count some fractals with me to relax.  I guess I’d just like to take myself out of the equation if for any reason any of my loved ones are experiencing Seasonal Spiraling on my behalf.  Maybe I can offer some suggestions of what I’d like for Christmas, incase that’s been a worry?

So here’s my list:

1. Do not feel obligated to invite me to your house if you haven’t talked to me all year.  It’s okay.  I won’t take it personally.
2. If you send Christmas cards, then I am delighted I’m on your list.  If you don’t, don’t feel bad.  I think I send some out once every five years.  Oh, and it doesn’t matter to me if it’s religious, non-religious, or whatever other style of greeting you might send.  I won’t get offended.
3. I don’t need to eat off your good China, or drink out of your holiday crystal.  Just saying.  I’m less likely to break a paper plate.
4. I don’t need a gift.  If you want to give me a gift, that’s cool.  Just know that I don’t really need stuff.  If you want to make me a tree out of pipe cleaners and write me a personal note, then do it.  I like that kind of stuff better anyway.
5. My daughter is like me, and she will appreciate the fact that you even thought about her.  No need to email me multiple times stressed out asking what to get her.  Simplicity is best, and I’m trying to teach her that the holidays are about people and not things.
6. Conversation, a cup of coffee, and a holiday hug… That’s all I really need from my friends.
7. If you’ve been working too hard to make the traditional family bundt cake for our get-together, that’s okay.  It’s only cake. I’ll live.
8. Any time you feel like you hate the holidays, take a moment to step back and ask yourself why you feel this way.  As a gift to me, please take a moment to rest.  
9. Be present!  Yes, by being present is a present.  Don’t be so over scheduled and busy that you can’t appreciate the magic of a warm fireplace or the crystal sparkle of freshly fallen snow.  Life exists beyond this season, and beneath the piles of tinsel, flashing lights, and pine scented air, we are all still the same people we have been all year long.  We still need our loved ones with us and in the moment at this time of year.
10. As the quote above mentions, life IS a spiral of good and bad experiences.  Don’t get caught up in expectations and go on a downward spiral when something doesn’t go according to plan.  Life is change.  We aren’t static, but we can make a choice to make the best out of any circumstance.  I have no expectations of you this holiday season, but I appreciate you trying so hard to make it special.  Thank you for your worry, but seriously- relax.

My final wish to everyone?  May your holiday be spent with people you really want to spend it with doing things that don’t stress you out and sharing in experiences that don’t cost you more than your heart can afford.  Peace and light throughout the year.  If you do start on a path of Seasonal Spiraling, maybe my gift to you can be my strategy.  Instead of sinking down the spiral, look at the picture at the top of this article.  Count your way up by focusing on each individual brightly colored window.   Take a deep breath and remember repeating patterns of chaos are everywhere in the universe.  You aren’t alone, and you are doing an amazing job of doing the best that you can.  That’s all anyone should ever ask of you anyway.  Just do the best that you can and know that’s enough. 

Weekly podcasts for Highly Sensitive Persons at HSP S.O.S. on The Captain’s Pod!
https://thecaptainspod.wordpress.com/hsp-s-o-s/

 

 

 

 

 

6 Sensitivities for HSPs at Halloween

Can a Highly Sensitive Person Enjoy Halloween?

Originally described as innate sensitiveness by Carl Jung, and then called highly sensitive persons by Dr. Elaine Aron, about one-fifth of the population possesses the trait of high sensory processing sensitivity.  Individuals with this trait have a biological difference in their nervous system which heightens their awareness of sight, sound, taste, and touch. These individuals experience the world a little differently than others, which can be both rewarding and draining.  For HSPs, Halloween can definitely be a mixed bag of tricks and treats, but being aware of what impacts one’s internal and external world can truly help a highly sensitive person make the most out of any celebration. Here are six aspects of Halloween that may impact the sensitivity of an HSP.

1. Seasons Change- When Dr. Elaine Aron created the Highly Sensitive Person Self-Test in her 1997 study, one of the original questions she considered adding to the assessment was “Are you sensitive to seasonal or weather-related changes in the amount of daylight?”  This question didn’t make the final cut, but it is something to take into consideration.  Being sensitive to changes in the weather doesn’t necessarily mean you are suffering from Seasonal Affect Disorder, but it does mean you are more in-tune with the subtle differences in the changing of the seasons- good or bad.  For some, a new season is a welcome change of pace, but for others it’s a less anticipated, inevitable transition.  Depending on where you live, Halloween can signal the starting point of shorter days and colder temperatures.  If you are someone that does better in milder temperatures, even the thought of another cold Chicago winter is enough to send you spiraling into hibernation mode as early as October.  Don’t let the weather bring you down.  Each season has its own rewards, and perhaps making a list of what you enjoy about each season is an excellent way to remind yourself what you love about fall.  As an HSP, it’s also important not to get too ahead of yourself.  No one needs to spend time dreading winter before it’s even scheduled to arrive.

2. Sights and Sounds-  It is well documented that about 20 percent of people in the general population have a nervous system that amplifies the surrounding world, thus making individuals with high sensory processing sensitivity more aware of environmental subtleties. Even a seemingly ordinary day to a non-HSP can be overstimulating to a person with high sensitivities, so imagine what a day like Halloween can do to someone more influenced by the sights and sounds in the environment.  Children ringing doorbells to acquire candy, images of ghastly figures filling television screens, toy witches cackling throughout local shops, and gruesome haunts lurking around every corner… these are just some of the sights and sounds that accompany Halloween.  Aside from the expected overstimulation of this holiday, it can also stir up unpleasant and gory images that a lot of highly sensitive people find disturbing.  It’s important to know your limits as an HSP.  You might enjoy the festive nature of the season.  You might even enjoy a scary movie every now and again, but you don’t have to go with your friends to see the latest slasher film if you know it’s going to upset you in the end.

3. So Many Sweets- Cupcakes and candies start showing up at the office, and Twix bars and Kit-Kats adorn every grocery store aisle.  If you have a sweet tooth, Halloween is the start of the indulgences of the holiday season.  In HSP S.O.S. episode #1 “Food Sensitivities,” we discuss just how much diet can impact the physical and emotional well being of highly sensitive individuals.  Not eating enough can lead to irritation and the jitters, while eating too much of the wrong thing can result in mind fog.  Processed foods, artificial sweeteners, food dyes, and caffeine are just some of the things HSPs might want to limit or avoid during this time of year.  Natural, whole foods tend to be a good option, and remembering to eat regular meals instead of just munching on treats at parties can do wonders for one’s physical and mental health.  It’s not necessary to turn down every single goodie that comes your way, but pay close attention to how foods are impacting you. If you are aware of how certain foods impact your mind and body, then you can make more educated decisions about what you choose to enjoy and what you choose to pass up.

4. Selecting a Costume- Anyone that knows and loves a highly sensitive person is well aware of our tendency to overthink or overanalyze every decision.  The highly sensitive are typically concerned about how their actions and behaviors impact others.  To say HSPs pay attention to the details is a huge understatement.  This holds true for picking out a costume at Halloween as well.  As discussed in HSP S.O.S. episode #4 “Sensitive Superheroes,” individuals with sensitivity take their love of superheroes, and other fictional characters, seriously.  It can become a sort of therapy for those that have always felt a little misunderstood by larger society.  It’s no wonder then that we spend weeks perfecting our costume, matching every last detail to the character in the original comic book series or insuring that our shoes and handbag are historically accurate.  Attending a party with someone at Halloween can also add more to think about to the occasion.  You don’t want to show up in mismatched ensembles, but you don’t want to be too matchy-matchy either.  It’s a real struggle sometimes to find just the right costume for the ever creative HSP.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to wow family and friends with a clever costume, but like all things, if the highly sensitive person feels like the process of selecting a costume is adding too much unneeded stress to daily life, then it’s time to pause and reflect.  More important than the look of the costume is probably the feel.  HSPs definitely have preferred textures and fabrics.  A costume that represents a cool concept AND is comfortable to wear enhances the chances of a fun-filled night.

5. Sorting Through Memories-   When I was nine, I attended a Halloween birthday party for a friend.  At this party, guests were bobbing for apples.  There was a girl there that I knew from school dressed in a clown costume, and she was eagerly dunking her face in and out of the bucket of apples,.  When she couldn’t successfully grab an apple, she grew frustrated, began crying, and nearly drown herself in her attempts to retrieve that tempting piece of fruit.  Why do I mention this? I mention it, because not a Halloween goes by that I don’t get flashes of that moment sort of frozen in time.  I don’t think I could ever dress myself, or my child, as a clown because of this experience, and I certainly will never have a party that includes apple bobbing.  As we discussed in the “Letting Go” episode, emotions are closely tied to memories.  The highly sensitive person often “feels” for other people, and this can be both positive and negative.  When we recall a certain memory later in life, we also recall the way we, or the people around us, felt at that moment.  If it’s a good memory, then the trip down memory lane is rewarding.  If it is a bad memory, however, reminiscing about the past could impact our state of mind in the present.  The memories we associate with a given holiday can throw us off at times.  At a time when sights, sounds, and scents are amped up, it’s useful to remember that sensory input can trigger old memories.  Just being aware of this can help an HSP self-monitor reoccurring mood memories.  We may not be able to ever forget that one Halloween where the neighborhood bully stole our little brother’s candy, but we can choose to respond to it in a manner that doesn’t rob us of our present happiness.  It’s also useful to recall comforting memories around the holidays as well.  Take some time to sort through the chambers of your mind, and pull up some pleasant Halloween experiences to relish when feeling out of sorts.

6. Shifting Perspectives of Introverts & Extraverts– In our show IN/EX Adventures, my cohost and I share our unique perspectives of the world as an introvert (INFJ) and an extravert (ENFP).  A lot has been written about the differences between introverts and extraverts in recent years, yet many myths about the two traits still persist.  Introverts are often viewed as being shy or anti-social, and extraverts are frequently characterized as always wanting to be the life of the party.  Identifying oneself as an introvert or extravert doesn’t mean that you always function from that perspective.  Introverts typically get their energy from inner reflection, and extraverts feel energized in social environments.  That doesn’t mean introverts never enjoy going out, or extraverts never long for a little solitude.  At Halloween, for example, many introverts thoroughly enjoy the opportunity to don a mask and attend a party as someone else.  As an introvert, I can attest to the comfort of an evening where everyone is going to be wearing something out of the ordinary.  The expectation is to be a bit playful, and this is just the kind of permission and expectation that can help an introvert frame an experience for optimal enjoyment.  There is a sense of freedom in anonymity, and when everyone is wearing silly outfits, it helps level the playing field for the sometimes awkward feeling introvert.  The extravert on the other hand, may feel a need to up the ante a little bit during Halloween.  As my cohost and  I shared on our Highly Sensitive Halloween episode, the highly sensitive extravert may feel like there are unspoken expectations to be even more “out there” than usual.  They might feel pressured to make the party more extreme, or to produce a jaw dropping costume idea.  Again, remember that as an HSP it is often useful to check your perspective.  Are you putting this pressure on yourself?  Do your friends really expect you to show up dressed in a gorilla suit and swing from the chandeliers?  Probably not, so any time you are starting to feel too stressed out about any aspect of Halloween, just remember to pause and reflect.

Halloween can be fun for HSPs introverted and extraverted alike.  Even if there are aspects of Halloween you despise, take a minute to focus on what you do like about the season.  The holiday season can force highly sensitive people out of their comfort zones and expose them to even more sensory input, but being highly sensitive is not a condition or disability.  Knowing yourself, and knowing what you’re about to experience, can truly help you have a Happy Highly Sensitive Halloween!

Weekly podcasts for Highly Sensitive Persons at HSP S.O.S. on The Captain’s Pod!
https://thecaptainspod.wordpress.com/hsp-s-o-s/

Gamgwangdo-A Lesson in Sensitivity

Gamgwangdo- What is that you ask?  That’s sensitivity in Korean.

(I recently discussed how highly sensitive children do not particularly enjoy the competitiveness that seems to go along with education in any form.  I used my daughter’s experience with Tae Kwon Do as an example.  Going through old files the other day, I came across something that I had written at the time.  It’s a couple of years old, but I wanted to share.  I didn’t know much about being an HSP at the time I wrote this, but it makes me smile even more reading it back now knowing what I know about Dr. Elaine Aron’s research.)

My daughter has been in Tae Kwon Do (a Korean form of martial arts) since the age of four, and she has always loved it.  She’s part of the studio’s Black Belt Club, and she’s currently working towards her brown belt.  From day one, it’s never been an issue getting her to attend 2-3 times a week to practice form and participate in sparring.  Lately, however, there’s been a bit of reluctance.  It really just started this winter. At first, she would say her asthma was bothering her, and then she would complain that she was just too tired to go.  Each time, I’d explain to her that a big part of martial arts is being disciplined.  Even when the running is a challenge, or learning a new form proves to be a source of frustration, we carry on.  

Tonight it was especially difficult to motivate her for her class.  She started “faking” sickness during dinner.  I could tell, because the symptoms kept changing from one moment to the next.  I knew something was up, so I asked her if she was really sick or if she just didn’t want to go to Tae Kwon Do?  She held firm to her mysterious ailments the first couple of times I asked this question.  Then I asked her if she still liked going to Tae Kwon Do?  She replied with a quiet little, “kind of.”  I prompted her to tell me more.  It started off with the exercises were hard, and she sweats when she runs.  All of which, I knew didn’t really bother her, because she’s a very active child.  I could still tell that there was something more that she wasn’t saying, so I put my arm around her, held her close, and I asked one more time.

In a wavering little voice, and with a couple of tears in her eyes, she said, “I don’t always like winning.”  This surprised me, so I asked her to explain what she meant by this.  She went on to say that sometimes she doesn’t like the competitions, because she feels really bad for the other kids that don’t win.  She elaborated on how in sparring, for example, older kids fight against younger kids, and bigger kids fight against smaller kids, and she just doesn’t think that’s very fair.  She also doesn’t like when the Master makes a big deal out of the person who wins, because it probably hurts the feelings of the kids that didn’t win.  She continued to say that she gets a strange feeling in her throat, and kind of wants to cry, when the Master teases some of the kids for not being strong, or makes fun of them and tells them not to act like babies.  He never talks to her this way, but she told me she still feels sad when other kids in her class are treated this way.

Pulling her closer to me and softly kissing her forehead, I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty for passing the highly sensitive gene on to this precious six-year old little girl.  I can clearly recall throwing a three-legged race in the first grade field day Olympics, because the team right beside me hadn’t won any awards yet.  I didn’t want them to be upset or end the school year without an award to take home as a memento.  Now, I know what some of you are thinking already, because I’ve heard it all before.  Toughen up!  Not everyone wins all the time in the REAL world!  That is true.  It is also true that in the real world every time one of these moments occurs, highly sensitive people still feel a little pang in their heart or get a little choked up for others not in the “winning” position.  These are the same people that cry at beautiful songs, burst into tears reading a good book, and exhibit empathy towards others.  This is a quality to foster not snuff out.

So what did I do?  I talked to her about good sportsmanship.  We brainstormed ways we could make other people feel better if they lose in a friendly competition, and the importance of being a gracious winner.  We discussed how it’s important to know that winning isn’t everything, but winning is also important when you’ve worked hard for something.  You should never sacrifice your hard work, dedication, or talent just to make someone else feel better.  I told her that mommy used to feel that way too when I was her age, and that I still do feel that way a lot of the time as an adult.  She looked surprised and slightly comforted by that fact.  I gave her a big hug and told her I’d look up how you say sensitivity in Korean, and that’s exactly what I did.  It is gamgwangdo according to Google translate, and gamgwangdo is truly a gift!

Link to HSP S.O.S. #17 The Highly Sensitive & School

Weekly podcasts for Highly Sensitive Persons at HSP S.O.S. on The Captain’s Pod!
https://thecaptainspod.wordpress.com/hsp-s-o-s/

A Highly Sensitive Education

It was a Friday, middle of the day, when I first heard about the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newton, Connecticut.  This was not the first time I had learned of a terrible tragedy while standing in front of children, but there was something about this particular event that became a turning point for me personally.  Maybe this story hit me so hard because in 2012 my own daughter was in Kindergarten and the same age as most of the shooting victims.  Maybe I took it so personally because a friend sent me a picture of Emilie Parker, one of the 6 year old shooting victims, to show me just how much the two girls looked alike.  I don’t know why, but I stood there in a complete daze upon hearing the news.  I finished out the school day, and made sure not to turn on the radio while driving home.  I walked into my house, went upstairs, got into bed fully clothed, pulled the covers over my head, and sobbed until morning.

Upon waking the following day, I still felt numb.   I could hear the television going in the distance, and the muffled voices were bickering about gun control, or terrorism, or perhaps it was the lack of school security in this nation.  I am not certain.  All I know is that was when I made a conscious decision to just stop watching the television.  I still had that sick feeling in my stomach, and with the holidays approaching, I couldn’t afford to remain in such a depressive state.  I felt guilty for being so shaken by the event.  I wasn’t personally involved, and I didn’t even know anyone from Connecticut, yet I still reacted as if it had happened in my own town.

I didn’t bake.  I didn’t do any of the Christmas shopping or wrapping.  As a matter of fact, I didn’t do any of the usual warm, sentimental holiday traditions at all that year.  I just kept thinking about the victims, their families, and I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper.  It was that tragic event which led me to get help for my own depression.   Over time, I began to pull myself out from wherever I had gone.

Fast forward to 2015, and I still haven’t returned to a regular routine of television watching.  If I do turn on the television, I try desperately to avoid any programs with sensational news reporting.  I’m well aware that not facing one’s fears is a form of escapism, but for my own state of mind, it was a necessary escape.  

This week, however, I was jolted back to that same dark place when I saw a trending report on the Internet about another school shooting in Oregon at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg.  My heart sank, and I read over the information through half closed eyes, as if squinting would protect me from feeling too much.  It wasn’t long before my newsfeed was a parade of outlandish comparison charts and gun control debates- a sea of clamorous chatter and infantile bickering.  Once again, the world was becoming an enormous shouting match of misguided agendas fueled by rage.  I felt dizzy, so I tried to steady myself.  As a precautionary measure, I went to turn off my phone, but not before I caught glimpses of some “here we go again’s” and “what is this nation coming to’s.”  Images of the Sandy Hook shooting also were sprinkled about the web, so I knew I would be best served unplugging for a bit.

I went home and tried to push the images out of my mind.  Later that evening, as my phone was plugged in to charge, I heard the ping of a new message.  It was from a friend.  She was messaging a couple of us to let us know that she might be a little late to a meeting we had scheduled for the following week.  Her reason was that she had to take care of some family business, that family business being her severely depressed child.  My heart sank for the second time that day.   I knew the backstory, and it all stemmed from some harsh bullying at her child’s school.  This really hit home, because my own daughter had been in tears that night as well, over some third-grade exclusionary playground practices.  

I went to bed that night, pulled the covers over my head, and wept.

Several days have passed since the Oregon shooting, and I’ve been trying to write this blog post for about three days.  I didn’t sink into a deep depression like I did right after the Sandy Hook shooting, but I still sit here with that same feeling of helplessness.  Maybe it’s just the reality that sometimes, no matter how hard we try, bad things happen. People walk into classrooms and shoot people.  Other kids pick on other kids and make them feel isolated and alone.  I realize now that the reason both of these events impacted me so much is because they forced me to admit that I don’t have control over what other people may or may not do to my child or other children I care about.  Sure I can guide her, try and protect her, but it’s becoming more and more obvious that there are just some things in life that are beyond my control.

This isn’t me being negative.  This is me being real.  School shootings and terrorism get people fired up.  There is a bit of sensationalism that goes along with that style of reporting, and I’ve read about articles this week on how it’s not that big of a deal.  I’ve also seen the charts comparing the number of shootings in US schools to shootings in other countries.  I’ve seen the counterargument that the people making these charts are idiots, the numbers are skewed.  I just took a look at the comic strip going viral where the kid asks “Why didn’t God stop the shooting,” and the other kid replies, “Because he’s not allowed in schools anymore.”

I almost deleted this post entirely last night after reading yet another article on the topic of school shootings.  It was talking about how this isn’t about gun control, because bad people can get guns even if they are controlled.  It isn’t about mental health issues, because many shooters were already getting help from professionals at the time of their crimes.  It isn’t about being bullied, because some perpetrators were well liked, even popular.  

I don’t know what it is about to be honest with you.  All I know is right now I feel like escaping again, not as a result of the tragic event in itself, but because of all the bickering it has sparked.   I feel afraid to say anything publicly about the event, because everything I thought about posting has already been attacked.  I wanted to post some mental health statistics, but according to some things I’ve read you are naive if you think therapy will fix the problem.  I wanted to promote more opportunities for social and emotional learning in the classroom to help combat children being unkind to one another, but I’ve also heard you are ignorant if you try and explain this away through bullying awareness.  Then there are the pro gun and anti gun debates, as well as the people that think this is all just being blown out of proportion.  A few days ago, I had a lot to say, but tonight I feel beaten down, isolated, and alone.  I’ve gone from a place of intense passion to a sort of silent forced apathy.

I think the great thing about the United States is that you can speak your opinion.  You can broadcast your beliefs all day and all night now thanks to social media.  We are allowed to debate what we want, wherever we want, but somewhere along the way I feel like we are missing the point.  Varied political, social, and religious beliefs, shouldn’t cause us to forget that we are still a community.  There are people in our community, and in our homes, that are seriously hurting.  No matter what you believe, you should be able to recognize that a bad thing happened.  We all want peace, but we should be able to acknowledge our differences without letting our differences destroy us and our sense of community.  

When I started writing this a few days ago, I imagined it being more profound.  I wanted to communicate that I think we alienate each other in this country more than we help each other, even when we are on the same side.  I wanted to attach a link to my podcast about sensitivity and school, because I wanted to make a case for teaching children how to appreciate different types of personalities and look for ways to stop shaming people for their differences.  My thought was that if children didn’t feel so isolated or alone, or if they understood that you could get along with someone that wasn’t exactly like you, that would help build tolerance.  I wanted to believe that social and emotional education might help build a stronger sense of community in the classroom, but now I’m not so confident in my original message.

I thought I had a good idea, but after being immersed in a week long debate via social media, I’m exhausted.  If my ideas are good, I almost don’t want to share them with these people attacking one another.  I want to just hug my little girl, let my friend know that she’s a good mom, send loving thoughts to the families of the victims, and just unplug my computer and go to sleep.  I wonder how many other people in our community feel like that tonight?  I wonder how many of my highly sensitive friends have also just tuned out or are not sharing their voice? That, to me, IS a tragedy.

For anyone that wants to listen, here’s the link to the episode I mention in the article.

HSP S.O.S. #17 Highly Sensitive Persons & School

Weekly podcasts for Highly Sensitive Persons at HSP S.O.S. on The Captain’s Pod!
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On Being Nice When You Can…

This is for Good News Kelly.  Thank you for your very honest and candid podcast today.  It really hit home.  I could hear the pain in your voice when you were talking about how you sometimes don’t feel like a good friend or a good mom.  I think we all feel that way sometimes, especially if we are empathetic, or highly sensitive people.  Your words made me think of something I wrote about a year ago that is very similar.  I put it on my personal Facebook page, and I shared it with a limited audience.  It is something, however, that I think more people need to hear.  We can’t always be perfect.  We can’t always be nice, but when we can, we should.  Thank you for your truth and wisdom.  Here are my own unpolished thoughts on that very same subject.

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November 20, 2014 at 11:22am

by Michelle Lynn

“Why are you so nice?”  This is a question I get from people regularly.  It’s not spoken as a statement.  It’s almost an accusatory remark, not mean, but a serious curiosity others sometimes have in regards to my words and actions.  I’ve been called too nice.  I know some of my family and friends think I allow myself to be a doormat for others.  I am quite certain that when I first start interacting with some individuals, they are almost skeptical of this “niceness”- like it might be a form of manipulation, or perhaps a severe form of low self-esteem or a desperate need to gain friends. 

Whenever someone accuses me of being too nice, I just laugh.  It’s weird to think of yourself in those terms, and one certainly wouldn’t admit to being like this for fear of appearing to have an enormous ego.  I usually smile politely when accused of this and assure the interrogator that I just like making people happy.  That’s been my standby response over the years, but if I really stop and think about it, that’s only a partial truth.  

I been contemplating this question on my morning drives recently, which is of course the best time for deep reflection, and I think I stumbled upon the real reason.  The real reason I’m so nice is because I don’t always feel like a nice person.  While I do try exceptionally hard to be a good person, I know that there have been, and there will still be, times when I am unable to be nice.  This won’t happen because I don’t care or don’t want to be nice.  It will happen as a result of stress, anxiety, worries, fears, and countless other idiosyncrasies  that make me the weird and quirky person that I cannot hide for very long from the world.  People that have known me the longest, or are the closest to me, will probably know what I’m talking about instantly.  I’m sure they all have seen some examples of this not so nice behavior.  For my loved ones, the non-believers, and to simply illustrate my point, I’d like to take a moment to identify what makes me feel like I’m a not so nice person sometimes, and when I don’t feel nice.

• I don’t feel nice when I go to a new environment for the first time and I can’t even make simple conversation with those around me because I am trying very hard to make sense of what is going on- unfamiliar faces, unknown sights and sounds.  I want to be able to engage, but when I am overwhelmed with sensation it’s difficult for me to process in the moment.
• I don’t feel nice when I’m stressed out and friends I’ve known for years try and contact me to talk or go out, and I can’t even respond to their phone calls, emails, or messages, because I can’t think well enough to even compose or formulate words.  It may be days or weeks until I’m ready to reply.
• I don’t feel nice when I pull into a parking spot, see someone I know, and I pretend to make a phone call just to avoid the awkwardness of the conversation I am worried about having as we walk to the door.
• I don’t feel nice when I make up an excuse to avoid a social event I’m afraid to attend for one of the countless reasons or doubts I have floating around inside my head.
• I don’t feel nice when I finally set up a time to get together with my brother, and I get so stressed about coordinating schedules I almost want to cancel.
• I don’t feel nice when I show up late or cancel plans because I’ve tried on every article of clothing in my closet and nothing I put on can mask my insecurities or make me feel confident enough to appear in the world.
• I don’t feel nice when I become frustrated and talk rudely to people trying to help coach me through a task that has me overstimulated or confused.
• I don’t feel nice when I don’t offer to drive on a night out, because I’m too afraid of getting lost or overwhelmed.
• I don’t feel nice when a simple decision like where to eat turns into an argument.
• I don’t feel nice when I am paid a sincere compliment and I brush it off thinking that the person can’t be possibly be serious.
• I don’t feel nice when a person wants to be close to me, but I feel so unlovable that I can’t show them love back.
• I don’t feel nice when I can’t concentrate on a conversation, because there is a blinking light on the microwave I want to go push.
• I don’t feel nice when I exhaust myself keeping focused and “together” at work and then have no patience left for the people closest to me when I get home at the end of the day.
• I don’t feel nice when I push people away because I’m afraid it’s bad for them to be around someone like me.
• I don’t feel nice when I want to lay in bed or sit quietly instead of playing with my daughter some days.
• I don’t feel nice when I perceive someone trying to help me as criticism and get upset with them.
• I don’t feel nice when I am not honest with myself, and I blame my family and friends for the things within my control.
• I don’t feel nice when I say or do something that I know is not nice, and I choose to avoid the situation because I think that is easier than just working it out.

So there you have it.  I don’t want anyone to think that I get super fixated on these times when I don’t feel nice about myself, because I obviously don’t  respond to people and situations this way all the time.  Anyone that has similar challenges, however, will understand that even rarely can feel like always.  At times in my life, I have wanted to be invisible, or I’ve isolated myself to save people I love from me.  I’ve worked hard at recognizing when I’m “overthinking” or acting “not so nice,” and I’d like to think I have become exceptionally aware of the connection between my thoughts and actions.  I try to continually learn new strategies to handle the way my brain works, and I have learned to be patient and not too hard on myself throughout the years.  I used to want to live my life without impacting anyone, but I know now that is not a realistic goal.   All I can do is know myself, my limitations, and my needs.  I can only admit when I am being “not so nice” and surround myself with people willing to  patiently support and challenge me with understanding.  Because of this, I may be extra nice when I’m feeling that I can be.  

If I send you an email full of compliments, post an inspirational message to your Facebook wall, give you a homemade card, make you your favorite meal, pay for a night out, or pick you up something you’ve said you wanted from the store, it’s because I know there will probably be times when I won’t be able to do these things for you.  If I listen to your troubles for hours without offering advice or passing judgment, you know it’s because I really do understand your worries- even if the rest of the world dismisses them.  If you get anxious or stressed and say something out of character to me and I don’t get mad, it’s because I get what it feels like to want to have your emotions temporarily short circuit your logic.  If your fears get the best of you, and you are unable to return any of the niceness that I am sending your way, do not worry.  I know what if feels like to not be able to connect with others sometimes when that’s desperately all you really want to do.   I guess I get the guilt and shame that goes along with feeling like this, and I don’t want anyone to feel that way ever on my account.  I don’t take it personally.  

I wrote a good portion of this yesterday, and then didn’t post it.  I got to worrying that people might think I’m weird.  Then this morning I had a conversation with a student that has been acting “not so nice” in my classroom.  He told me that he doesn’t know why he acts the way he does sometimes, but he really wished that he did.  I thought he was about to cry, which is exceptionally out of character for this particular student.  He told me people call it impulse, but he wonders if it’s instinct.  He looked sad and worried, so we talked about strategies to help when he feels certain ways.  I think a big problem is that we don’t let other people see our weakness sometimes, and we try and go on pretending like we don’t have limitations or unique needs.  You can be a good and nice person and still have some not so nice days.  That’s what I told this student, and he smiled.  He then told me I was really nice.  I jokingly replied back, “sometimes!”  I don’t want to feel bad about who I am, and I don’t want my students, daughter, family, friends, or even strangers to feel bad about themselves either.  I know, and have known, people that feel like “bad people” for things beyond their control, and I know that feeling guilty doesn’t make the situation any better.  That’s why I say always be nice to yourself and others when you can! 

Here’s a link to Kelly’s show  Good News Kelly #1 – Kelly’s Story  #YouMatter