HE DOESN’T GET ME…
As is typical, last night I was once again plagued with bad dreams, nightmares, night terrors, whatever you want to call it. And, as is also typical, my nightmare consisted of my significant other cheating on me. I woke in a start, and I woke angry. My feelings were CRUSHED. WHY would he cheat on me? I don’t care that it’s a dream, he betrayed me! I am so mad I could spit nails. Eventually I fell back asleep and when I woke up (for real) in the morning I was STILL mad. And when Nick woke up I snapped at him. Poor guy didn’t even know what hit him. And he couldn’t understand what he did wrong. The rational part of me understands that…he didn’t actually do anything wrong…dream version did. But the HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) side of me can only come to one resolution: “He doesn’t get me. And if he doesn’t get me then he doesn’t really love me. And if he doesn’t really love me then maybe he really is cheating on me. And if he really is cheating…..” and so on and so forth until I have convinced myself that he is breaking up with me any second. And when those two minds meet I realize something even bigger: I am IMPOSSIBLE to date.
So, why doesn’t he get me? Well, the reality of the situation is that he gets me just fine; perfectly actually. And 99% of the time I see that. But then, he says or does something (usually the something is VERY small…and usually he thinks he is being playful or joking) and I am offended and hurt. Like, to the bone. And then that 1% of the time clouds the other 99%. When those moments happen this alter-Ally-ego thing appears and I am embarrassed, hurt, angry and most likely crying. Over what exactly no one really knows. It’s all a mystery, even to me.
I have often compared my boyfriend to Phil Dunphy from Modern Family. Here’s what I know about Phil: he loves his wife and his family beyond compare, he is quite silly, he is completely aDORKable and he is always saying or doing the wrong thing. The wrong thing is often created because Phil always does everything with the best of intentions; but seems to fall short sometimes. His one-liners make me giggle and then when Claire rolls her eyes or gives the camera a “look” I start laughing hysterically. Because I do the same thing to Nick.
I decided that the easiest way to get past these moments that far too often start arguments is to make a sort-of “guide” to dating me. I mean, I should really come with a warning label; but since I don’t, I decided to devise a guide. How to date me (that’s the really original and creative title I came up with). Chapter One: you’re screwed. That’s all I got. The end. The guide really should go something like this: if I wake up and I am happy, don’t say anything. If I wake up and I am anything other than happy, don’t say anything. If you don’t say anything I will be hurt and think you don’t want to have anything to do with me. If you do say something I will like get offended and hurt and get upset with you. If I get upset with you don’t say anything. If I am upset and you don’t say anything prepare for a fight. Nope, you’re screwed really does sum it all up nicely.
It takes a lot of patience, commitment, kindness and love to date a highly sensitive person. Some may ask if it is even worth it. Here’s my response to them: remember that 99% of the time I spoke about earlier? That’s the time that makes it worth it. Yes, the 1% of the time can be extremely difficult, dramatic and tear filled but the other 99% is filled with humor, gratitude, fun, laughs and a boatload of love. When my HSP switch is in the “off” position I am the most giving and attentive and loving person on the planet. That’s what makes it all worth it. You will never find another mate like a HSP; at least when it comes to the size of their heart. HSP’s have huge hearts because of our sensitivity. The thing that makes us hardest to understand is also the thing that makes us the best to be around.
If you’re lucky enough to be with a HSP, then just ride the waves; it WILL pay off. And, if you’re a HSP like me, and you have found the one that will ride the waves no matter how hard they crash, then count your blessings. And remember this: all those times that you feel like he/she doesn’t get you…THOSE are the times that they get you the most. How do I know? Because when the smoke clears, they are still standing there. If they didn’t get you, they would have walked the other way a long time ago.
For more HSP relationship conversation, please listen to HSP S.O.S. episodes- with Michelle at thecaptain’s pod.com!
#14 HSP’s and The Fear of Intimacy
#15 HSP’s and Relationship Attachment Styles