Michelle Lynn (HSP SOS)
What Counts As “Quality Time” With An Introvert?
I thought you were an introvert. Why do you want to spend so much time together?
-A sincere question from an extrovert to his introverted companion-
There is probably no creature on this planet more misunderstood, stereotyped, and constantly questioned than the mystical introvert. No, I don’t really believe that we are some rare, magical breed of human that exists as a sort of ticking time-bomb, but I do believe there are many people out there in the world that have this view of introverts. Introverts often feel most misunderstood by the people closest to them, which is both unfortunate and beautiful at the same time.
Why is being blatantly misunderstood by someone close to you beautiful? Well, when it’s obvious to you someone is misunderstanding you, there is at least some attempt being made on their part to understand you. They are actively questioning you, trying to define you, figure you out, and in most cases, ultimately searching for a way that they can make you happy- or at least not tick you off so much of the time. I’m sure all introverts have an extroverted family member, friend, or partner in their lives with good intentions. Someone that tries to do things that he or she thinks an introvert would like, but often ends up missing the mark. Introverts and extroverts are often portrayed in an oversimplified fashion. As an introvert, I despise the assumption that I am shy, fragile, and anti-social. Extroverts have to deal with their fair share of negative stereotypes as well. They are not these loud insensitive beings put here on earth to torment us introverts, but problems can arise if introverts and extroverts don’t attempt to understand their unique differences.
One area that I have had a great deal of trouble with as an introvert in my interactions with extroverts has been explaining my need for “quality time” in relationships. Not all time is equal in my introverted mind, and if I don’t get the required amount of “quality time” with people I want to connect with, then I get cranky and can come off as demanding and needy. Just recently, for example, I have been spending an increased amount of time with my favorite extroverted companion. We went to Las Vegas to meet up with friends. I have gone to several of his performances. There was a birthday party I planned and attended in his honor. Time was spent with the children. We recorded some podcasts, and we sat side-by-side on the couch together posting and writing. At the end of this stretch of time, I found myself completely exhausted, yet I still told him that I really needed some “quality time” with him soon.
If I had a camera ready, I would have snapped a portrait of his expression. What do you mean? We’ve spent every day together practically? How could you possibly see me more? I thought you were an introvert. Why do you want to spend so much time together? I instantly felt defeated and sad when that was his reaction, because I swore he’d be craving the exact same thing. He wasn’t, and I was just as confused with him as he was with me. It took me a little bit to get over the fact that I had an extrovert telling me that we have had an adequate amount of social time together. I mean, aren’t extroverts supposed to always want to be around people? Am I that annoying that the extroverts now want nothing to do with me?
The truth, however, is that neither introverts, nor extroverts exist as stereotypical versions of themselves. The reality is that introverts need time with people they care about. They don’t just need time, but they need a special kind of introvert “quality time” to feel connected. Extroverts are energized by people, but they also enjoy time to themselves. Extroverts use alone time to regroup and reflect, and it is an important part of the balance they need to maintain in their lives as well. When introverts and extroverts don’t communicate about how time is spent, surely there is going to be a disconnect. After thinking about my own personal experiences as an introvert, and my definition of quality time, I put together some truths for me that might apply to other introverts out there too It’s by no means an all inclusive list, but perhaps it can help serve as talking points in your introvert/ extrovert relationships.
The Intricacies of Introvert “Quality Time”
- Group time does not get to replace Introvert “Quality Time”- I don’t care if I spend two weeks traveling Europe with you and five of your closest friends, this does not equate, in my mind, to spending quality time with you. That may sound petty and ridiculous to an extrovert, but introverts often don’t feel comfortable, or able to fully connect, when there are a lot of people around. I am miserable with conversation and maintaining focus once a group gets larger than three people. I start feeling like I’m neglecting someone, and I end up feeling terrible about it. I also don’t always get to talk as long with the people I’d like to in these settings. I prefer to get into three hour, intimate conversations with people one-on-one when I care about them, and group events are not conducive to this type of connection. I tried to make these connections last week at a birthday party I planned, but I ended up pulling people away one at a time off into a corner to talk privately. I’m sure I appeared scattered, and I later realized I hadn’t even spoken to one woman at the party. I had to message her apologizing a couple days later, because I was just so overwhelmed. This is why we still need more time with people individually after such events.
- Daily tasks needed for survival do not count as Introvert “Quality Time”- Being in my space is not the same thing as spending time with me. Now, I have to clarify, because introverts do like doing separate things with someone in the same space. It’s just that I wouldn’t necessarily count this as deep, meaningful connection time. This is more my time to be alone while sharing space at the same time. If I am letting you share my space like this, you are definitely a trusted person in my life. I’m letting you in on my recharging time, but understand I will not feel like I have spent any time with you after this. I will want to connect with you probably even more after this. If you are sleeping, eating, doing laundry, checking your email, or other routine day to day tasks in my presence, I am not necessarily going to be excited by this. It’s not going to feel like we were present with one another. I am going to want more connection than that.
- Watching movies together may or may not count as Introvert “Quality Time”- If you come to my place, turn on what you want, and don’t talk to me, then this does not count as introvert quality time. If we pick out a movie together, and then one of us starts getting on our computer, phone, or leaves the room multiple times, then this does not count as introvert quality time. If we select a movie together, or you suggest a movie you want me to see, and we sit there, watch it, and share our thoughts about it afterwards, then this is definitely introvert quality time. It’s really about making meaningful connections for introverts, and not just merely about being together in the same room. As a side note, bringing popcorn and candy to share over conversation, will definitely earn you some introvert bonus points.
- Working on projects together may or may not count as Introvert “Quality Time”- Introverts, and especially highly sensitive ones, bond over mutually shared goals and outcomes. If the time working together is enjoyable and balanced, without one person being a control-freak or overly critical, then this is precious time spent together. Conflict and negativity, however, can zap the fun and energy out of an introvert in these situations. Artistic projects, building things, and even home improvements can be rewarding time together if both parties are fully vested and share a mutual vision.
- Car rides to social gatherings count as crucial Introvert “Quality Time”- It is a myth that introverts never want to socialize. We love people just as much as any outgoing extrovert, but in general, being social requires more energy from us than it does from extroverts. Introverts that put themselves in social environments, and allow beloved extroverts to take them out of their comfort zone, require buffer time. Buffer time shared with one other person on a long car ride to a social event is very important to an introvert. This is an opportunity to have some meaningful, intimate conversations before all “hell breaks loose” so to speak. I have found that this is a simple area in a relationship many introverts and extroverts fail to discuss, which can lead to unnecessary conflict. Extroverts want people entertained, and if they are focusing on driving, or thinking about being entertaining to a larger group of people, they may want to bring extra people along for the ride to take some of the pressure off. The introvert, however, may have been looking forward to the car ride even more than the event itself, because he or she was counting on some quality time together. This time is viewed very differently often, and it’s definitely a point worth discussing.
- Pre-planned alone time together is sacred Introvert “Quality Time”- If you even mention doing something with an introvert in passing, and they don’t immediately make a bunch of excuses and run the other direction, then it is a done deal. DO NOT alter the plan or think it will be no big deal to just do something else. Because of how socializing impacts us, we carefully plan out the who, what, where, when, why, and how of all our social experiences. We know we annoy our more spontaneous counterparts at times, but we are doing this out of love for the people we care about. If we have three social engagements, a work project, and one special night with you, then we are carefully structuring our entire week to be the best version of ourselves in each of those moments. We don’t always have the extrovert’s gift of easy energy with people. We know we have to work harder in our interactions with people, and we definitely want our energy reserves piled high for a special night with someone we love. It’s probably not the best idea to plan a dinner and movie with your introvert, and then at the last minute ask if you can invite a few of your friends. Your introvert will gladly meet your friends, but at an agreed upon time.
This is all just my perspective on how I operate as an introvert. I don’t think that I am 100% right, and I definitely don’t think my way is any better, or worse, than that of an extrovert. I just know that I have a lot of extroverts in my life that are constantly trying to figure me out and make me happy. I put this together as more of a way for introverts and extroverts to start conversations about preferences and needs in relationships. I know that there are going to be times when my extroverted companion will want to pool together a group of friends for a car ride, or maybe he will forget that he promised to spend a quiet evening at home with me and end up doing something else instead. I have to understand that extroverts operate and think differently than introverts, and we don’t have to be adversaries. We are people, not labels. Personality typing is really only useful if you are using it to be a better version of yourself and as a means to better understand and interact with others. I think the saddest thing in the world is seeing a well-meaning extrovert suddenly realize that something has gone terribly wrong. Whether we identify with being an introvert, extrovert, or even an ambivert, common ground can be found through open and honest conversation. Bottom line is that introverts really do like people. We want to spend time with people, but how that looks to us might not always look the same or make sense to everyone else.
Author, Michelle Lynn, is a podcaster on The Captain’s Pod, and she creates content specifically for HSP’s, empaths, introverts, INFJ’s, and Myers-Briggs enthusiasts. Her weekly podcast, HSP S.O.S. (Highly Sensitive Persons Supporting Our Sensitivity), can be found on The Captain’s Pod website, The HSP SOS website, and Facebook. Also connect with her on Twitter @hsp_sos.