I often get asked to explain what is “wrong” with me. Quite often I am faced with a situation that requires me to begin with my back against a wall. I often wonder why people look at me and require that I provide for them a solution for MY so called problems. And I always come to the same solution: the explanation of my problem only provides an excuse to you for your problems. I have to remind myself frequently that the problem doesn’t begin with me…the problem begins with a gross lack of education on an exceptionally sensitive subject.
But then there are those in the middle times. The so- called
I only call it that to simplify the matter for those that can’t understand it. The Space Between is the moment when your logical self loses touch with your emotional self. And in that ultra-tiny fragment of time, your emotional self grabs hold of the reigns and somehow they never let go. So what happens in the space between? Why can’t you write? Why can’t you smile? Why are you so sad? Prepare yourself. Because THIS is what happens in the space between:
SO*: My mom said you look like you’ve lost weight. I told you baby. You’re sexy.
LS*: He noticed my weight loss! He acknowledged my beauty and is proud of my hard work!
ES*: Omg he thought I was fat! Fat means ugly! I need to lose weight fast or he will leave me for
THE SPACE BETWEEN (WELCOME TO THE DANGER ZONE):
Fuck him. If he doesn’t see me for me then what does it matter?
5 minutes later…
*tears start rolling down*
Why even live? I am so ugly and disgusting.
The world is better without me.
*put on music designed to make you cry*
*push away SO*
God, just take me. End my misery. Take me away.
See, most people worry about the times you are super happy. Others worry about the times you are quiet. And yet, few precious others, worry when you accept everything with a smile. Because behind that smile lies the space between. And when you are stuck there nothing seems real to you and nothing seems like it matters.
The space between is the most dangerous of all because it disguises itself as happiness. The space between drugs you with all of its beauty and grief and solace. The space between understands.
That’s all we ask of you. Please understand. Don’t ask what is wrong because the only answer is the scary truth that sleeps in the space between.
*SO: Significant Other
*LS: Logical Self
*ES: Emotional Self
Ally is a writer and friend of The Captain’s Pod.