My Christmas morning confession is this… I feel weird! I am not particularly depressed or anxious. I am not necessarily disappointed or upset because I had hoped that things would have shaped up differently. I am just sitting here alone in my apartment, fireplace going with a cup of mint tea by my side, feeling pretty off. The feeling started towards the end of the evening last night, and I tried my best to shake it. I spent time with my loved ones, and nothing transpired that would warrant a foul mood. Still I sensed myself turning inward, and I found myself sitting quietly away from everyone else. I could feel myself getting annoyed by being asked, “what’s wrong?” I felt guilty for not wanting to talk. I always appreciate that people care enough to show concern, but when I don’t know what’s wrong, I hate that people ask. It always leads to the filling in of the blanks as we try and figure out what’s going one with me.
Am I sad that my daughter is with her father this morning instead of with me?
Am I missing my grandmother?
Did I forget to eat yesterday?
Am I upset that El Nino has created unseasonably warm temperatures in the Midwest, and it just doesn’t feel like Christmas?
Should I have said something to my mom about her mom not being here this year? Was it disrespectful not to?
Have I just had too much people time, and I need to take some time to recharge?
Did I spend too much this year on gifts or not enough?
Am I bothered by the wrapping paper, bows, and glitter strewn across the carpet?
Do I need to get some of those papers graded, so I can enjoy the rest of my time off?
Did those cookies have red dye in them, and now they are impacting my mood?
Do I want to be alone?
Do I want company?
Am I worried about attending my brother’s party?
Are the holiday decorations invading too much of my space?
Was that post about the orphan babies too emotional for me to read before going to bed?
Should I have had breakfast and my vitamins already?
Am I concerned about where I’m going to fit all of my daughter’s new toys?
Was it just not as meaningful as Christmases past?
Am I concerned that I’m ruining the day for everyone else, because I can’t get out of this funk?
The answer to all of these questions is… I don’t know? No and yes? The only thing I know with any certainty is that I feel weird. Again, I am not depressed or anxious. I am just kind of existing here in this space right now. It’s almost like my mind and body can’t even process my emotions. I am tempted to beat myself up. I am tempted to put on some holiday music, down some eggnog, and force feed myself the holiday cheer. The last thing I ever want to do is have my weird mood affect those around me. I am almost to the point of letting a little of the anxiety in, and then I remind myself that I am a highly sensitive person. I am an introvert. I am extremely sensitive to everything around me, and I AM an intensely emotional person. Weird is just a feeling like happy or sad. The holidays are a deviation from the norm, and I’m just feeling what I’m feeling simple as that. There’s nothing wrong, so I don’t have to invent a reason to tell other people. I don’t need to feel guilty for not being something else. In this moment, I think I just need to accept the fact that I feel a bit strange. Maybe there are other people out there feeling the same way today thinking they shouldn’t? If so, all I have to say is Merry Christmas let’s feel weird!
Author, Michelle Lynn, is a podcaster on The Captain’s Pod, and she creates content specifically for HSP’s, empaths, introverts, INFJ’s, and Myers-Briggs enthusiasts. Her weekly podcast, HSP S.O.S. (Highly Sensitive Persons Supporting Our Sensitivity), can be found on The Captain’s Pod website and Facebook. Also connect with her on Twitter @mlynnline.